a better tomorrow.

The last half of year five (more like the entirety of it if I am being honest) was spent in a way that no one could've or would've predicted.  

As much as no one wanted to be out of work for almost five months in the last half of it it somehow has ended up being worth it.

As crazy as that is to say I think we all have learned a lot that we wouldn't have otherwise had we not had to deal with covid and then a rather extensive series of unfortunate events that led to us having to close for a bit.

At least I know I have. 

Would I have chosen to learn it a different way given the option? Of course. But I also wouldn't trade walking through this season either. Our human perspective is so limited and it is easy to get discouraged along the way, especially when we can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that doesn't mean that it is all in vain. 

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper 

time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

I'd be lying if I said that there weren't many days where I questioned everything - every single thing. But there were just as many days where I was reminded, not only of the Sovereignty of the Lord, but also of how truly faithful He is to us. When the Lord called me to this little school eight years ago, it was just for a season ... so I thought. Funny how that tends to happen, right? We go somewhere or do something that we think is just temporary until we can accomplish our bigger goals or desired end result but that's not at all how it ends up playing out. If someone had told me then I would one day be offered the opportunity to run this school I literally would've laughed in their faces. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain that has happened at least once in my first few years here as an employee. 

The song, "Another in the fire" by Hillsong was my anthem throughout this season of closure. Any time I was at the school working, in my car crying (admittedly this happened more than I'd ever care to say), or fighting the negative thoughts that threatened to consume me. It begins with, "There's a grace when the heart is under fire. Another way when the walls are closing in. And when I look at the space between where I used to be and this reckoning..." 

reckoning: a person's view, opinion or judgment

When something is said to be under fire you usually consider that to mean that they're getting shot at or being attacked and that's what this felt like. Around every corner it seemed that something else went wrong up until the end. The end that has subsequently become our new beginning. Every single time though when it seemed as though there was no way, a way was made for us. 

what was once destroyed was restored.

what was once broken down has been rebuilt.

what was once a hopeless situation has become hopeful again.

what once seemed like failure is turning around towards victory.

what was one of the hardest seasons of my life has become one I cherish most.

If there is one thing that has changed most throughout all of this it is my perspective - on everything. There were many times over the months that I wavered in confidence when it came to whether this truly was what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I mean, every which way I turned it seemed like something else was going wrong. 

But really all of it was just paving the way for what was to come.  

We've been back for about three months now and, though it has been a bit hectic, it is so G O O D. We are beginning another school year which is exciting, right? No doubt. 

But my heart is so sad at the same time.

I'm learning that you can feel opposite things simultaneously and it really messes with my black and white, logically thinking brain. While we're celebrating being open, I'm finding myself realizing what was lost that just can't be gotten back. While we're loving getting to know new kids, I'm heart broken for the ones that left that Friday evening never to return to Pine Knoll again, at least not in the same capacity. While I'm planning for a whole new year and the things that are to come, I'm having to also reckon with the things that were planned but never came to be. Sounds a bit like life though doesn't it?

Pine Knoll's class of 2021... my babies. Literally. We grew up together from the ones, twos, threes and then fours. So much change happened in those years for us both. But their fourth year was the complete opposite of what they deserved and I'm finding myself better understanding what it means to grieve something. (You're probably thinking, here she goes again reading into something that isn't there. Typical.)

I realize that is probably a strong word to use in such a situation but its true. Nothing about their last year at Pine Knoll was how I wanted or planned for it to be and it certainly wasn't what they deserved. Can I change that? No, but that is the hardest part. 

In order to move forward we must acknowledge what's been lost or never came to be and our feelings about that. I mean, I guess you don't have to do anything but it will resurface at a later point if you don't. As I have pondered this more over recent days I have come to realize that this is exactly where we find ourselves in the world today post-pandemic wave #1 and in the midst of wave #2. People are continuing to go forward because life doesn't stop just because something happens that sucks, but yet, there is so much, so many, that have been lost in the midst of all of this that you have to grieve. So many conflicting emotions. 

I don't know exactly what this looks like in today's society but I know we can do it, one step at a time. So much has been lost but there's still so much to be grateful for. So many lives have ended far too soon but modern medicine is making advancements in preventing that from continuing. So many kids, from prek all the way to college even, have not had the experiences they've wanted, deserved, or hoped for but yet if we look for it there's good found in the midst of all the chaos, too. So much was destroyed when the school flooded, but there is so much goodness that has come as a result. So many tears have been shed over what should've been but thankfully there's still hope for a better tomorrow. There's always hope for a better tomorrow. 

I could continue on and on, i'm sure. But I'll close with a few open letters;

To the babies who will forever be PK's Class of 2021...

I am so sorry. Never would I have imagined that you would've had to walk through a global pandemic that drastically affected your school year and I certainly wouldn't have thought that once we got through that the school was going to close for five months due to a freak accident. We grew together and my heart is forever grateful for you, your families, and the countless memories that we share. Keep going, guys. Just know, I'm forever in your corner and our door is always open. 

To the ones who answered the call(s) for help, picked me up literally when I couldn't stand, gave so much of yourselves to our little school's restoration, and supported us along the way...

THANK YOU. My heart cannot hold the gratitude I feel towards each of you. I wish I could express it better in words but they'll forever fall short. I couldn't have asked for a better village to step in when we needed it most. We are forever indebted to you. Thank you a million times over. 

To the ones near and far who listened to my sobs, my angry rants, held space for my questions, encouraged my heart and prayed for us every step of the way.

I love you... that's all. No, but for real... y'all are some patient people and I wouldn't have made it this far without you. You really find out who is in your corner when the going gets tough and I'm so, so grateful for the ones who are in mine. 

We're a few months into year six now and I am anxious, yet excited and hopeful, for what is to come. 

                                                                                                    Until next time,

                                                                                                            Love wins, 

                                                                                                                    Miss Megan